Walk of the Damned (posting from the road)

One of my goals in Africa was to experience a safari every way possible...vehicle, boat, balloon and walking. I wanted a chance to see the animals from every vantage point. Leila and I decided that Lake Mburo was the best spot on our itinerary to try the walking safari - no elephants in the park...the biggest killer of idiot tourists on walking safaris (I have read that estimates are as high as 1 tourist a month in East Africa is trampled to death).

So, as usual, we set out early in the am to try and catch some of the local wildlife before the retired to shady areas. A small group of us gathered with a local ranger for a safety briefing...that is where the questions started. I don't think I have told you all yet of John. John is a resident of Australia (Sydeny specifically and I am told by other Aussie's that this is an important point to stress) who appears to spend much of his retired life travelling around the world and taking detailed notes. To say John is a character is an understatment. There were many heavy debates amoung my travel mates as to whether or not he was a pre-op transvetsite. He is in his late 60's but dies his hair flaming red and has actually had several problems at border crossings because his passport photo DEFINATELY is that of a female complete with eye liner and lipstick. But aside from some obvious gender confusion issues, he has other odd habits. He journals EVERYTHING from the km we travel in a day, our maximum elevation and the exact time we ate lunch. In order to obtain this needed information he asks questions...and then some.

So it is of no surprise that as we traipsed through the Savannah grasses of Lake Mburo National Park and wildlife that may have been present scatter rapidly when their ears caught rumblings of "what will the maximum temperature be today?", "how many park rangers work in this park?" and my personal favourite "how close is the nearest elephant?". I had already awoken feeling a little queasy and this was certainly not helping matters.

Despite the obvious realization that we were never going to see any of the elusive animals with John conducting an inquisition, we plodded on as the sun began to rise bathing us all in a searing heat. Sometime zebra and impalas would wander close by and look at us as if to say "would you please shut him the f#*$% up. He is destroying the peacful nature of our National Park" before they turned tail and departed. We all gazed at them with envy. It was a very successful safari if our goal was to see skulls and foilage - basically anything that couldn't scamper away.

Almost halfway into our walk my previous queasiness turned to full blown stomach rumbling and I came to the realization that last night's chicken dish was desperatly trying to escape from my body. I stood there admiring the sunrise while mentally trying to convince my digestive system to hold it together a little longer when the problem almost solved itself. The element of surpirse caused me to ALMOST soil my remaining pair of clean pants when two large warthogs came thundering out of some shrubs just a few feet from me.

Content that I had not suffered and accident, I continued to try and will my body into submission. I know that some of you are thinking - why not just use the bush. Bush toilets are not a new concept for me but they are an ABSOLUTE last resort. (Only once did I utilize the side of the road/bush toilet and it ended badly. It seems that I chose to squat down next to a thorny acaia tree. I imagine you know where I am going with this...I was so tangled up; arms, legs, pants and shirt that I had to humilatingly call Leila over to extricate me from the tree. I suffered lacerations to my hands and arms. Hence my fluid restricted vacation). So clearly I would have to just use mind over matter.

And still we walked...admiring the various acacia trees and skulls that the park had to offer. I saw the skeletal remains of more animals then I saw actual live ones. Then the piece de resistance...the perfect thing to stumble upon if you are trying to keep last nights dinner contained within...the carcass of a dead buffalo. Like most things we had encountered on this walk of the damned, this buffalo was indeed dead. I successfully double clutched my dinner back as I examined the shell of a massive Cape Buffalo that appeared to have gotten caught in some mud before being ravished by hyenas and vultures.

We stood quietly there that morning...enjoying the silence of the plains, the beauty of the sunrise and the mortality of the buffalo..."If a rhino and a hippo had a fight - who would win?" Too bad there wasn't any mud for John to get stuck in.

"We call them losers" (posting from the road)

"We call them losers". That was the reply from the guide to my observation regarding the lone cape buffalo that I saw grazing on the side of the Kazinga channel. Maybe it was the few beers I had already consumed, maybe it was the heat...but I found this statement to be hysterical. I was laughing so hard, tears were rolling down my face. I am not sure if he thought I was confused or just crazy but he went on to explain that a 'loser' is what you are called when no one likes you or wants you to be a part of their group. Seriously who did this guy think he was talking to??? Like I don't know what a loser is. Jeez. I think explaining it to me just made it that much more entertaining and every time our boat sailed by a solo buffalo, the guide, with a completely flat affect would just point and say "Loser" - I would then giggle.

Today we passed the equator en route to Queen Elizabeth National Park on the far western side of Uganda just a mere 15 miles from the Congo. From what I have read this was once a magnificent park that her majesty frequented, hence the name. Sadly during the war torn 1980's, National Parks became of little concern to the government and the poachers pounced decimating the animal numbers. Wildlife in the area is slowly making a comeback, and from what I saw today a pretty good one.

Leila and I decided to upgrade at this stop and we left our little dome tent behind for a luxurious safari tent with 2 queen beds, private en suite (with flush toilet - a HUGE luxury) and a little porch with fantastic chairs overlooking Lake Edward. The cost - $50, less than I paid at the last Motel 6 I stayed at. We spent the late afternoon on the aforementioned boat cruising down the channel that joins Lake Edward and Lake George.

I really did not realize how well nature got along. Frequently in the herds of buffalo there would be a few hippos with a Nile crocodile sunning himself just on the banks a few feet away. Birds seem to be comfortable resting on the back of any mammal that will stand still. Just when it couldn't get better, the grand daddy of them all, the African Elephant would lumber over and grab a quick drink from the channel.

Despite my initial child-like enthusiasm for the water hogs (read: jumping up and down screaming "HIPPO, HIPPO" at the first sighting) and my sheer awe at the size of the pachyderms, I would have to my favorite today were the Cape buffalo. Just the lone ones, the "Losers" - deep down...my kindred spirits.

Have you met the medicine man? (posting from the road)

It was up in the equatorial rainforest of Uganda that we met Tom, the local medicine man for a small village. I sat in Tom's mud hut and learnt, with the aid of an interpretor, about his practice. What I write to you all now is the truth...decide for yourself...medicine man or complete con artist.

Tom (I too laugh at the irony of the name Dr. Dean) develops a bond of trust between himself and his patients by telling them something about their lives - to me it was very reminiscnet of a gypsy at a travelling carnival. He threw some cinnonmen into a plastic basin with 5 sticks, swirled it around and then announced that I had come from afar and arrived by a truck. This really isn't that impressive considering the fact that I am blantently white and am sitting in a village that is only accessible be a winding, bumpy dirt road. But I will say...that what he said was in fact true.

Next comes the healing. After determining the issue, Tom will treat anything except AIDS (sadly the most prevelant and significant problem), he reaches onto his shelves of tools to render the correct rememdy. Gonorhhea: drink this greenish potion in the morning afternoon and evening. Losing too much blood? No worries just sip this pink potion three times a day. Malaria - chew on some leaves.

Tom does not only handle medical emergencies, he is willing to step in and tackle other everyday problems. Are you haunted by the ghost of a dead relative. Just bring him a goat, slit the throat of the animal and Tom will drain the blood through the horn of an antelope while shaking a gourd. The ghost will be gone and that night Tom will dine on the sacrifice (he prefers goat but a chicken will do).

Maybe your problem is troublesome neighbours...no worries, Tom has a quick fix. Take a branch from the nest of a chimpanzee and the skull of a baby chimpanzee and place outside the door of your enemy. Apparently they will quickly move away. (For those who are curious, I did ask...the skull can be reused so the needless killing of endangered chimpanzees to rid the world of bad neighbours will not be necessary)

Is there a chance your wife may be cheating on you? There is a twig that you can place under your bed...it will cause your wife and her adulterer to be 'stuck' together...then you can catch them in the act.

He held up a stick and told us that is what they use for women who "need lubrication". The rate of speed with which the legs of every female in earshot snapped shut was impressive. He was quick to explain after our reaction that it is the bark which when boiled makes a tea that gets women in the mood - not the stick itself. There is a similar rememdy for men except that it must be used with great caution...it works so well that it may make the man "rape" because he has to. I guess sensing the disapproval from our group, Tom explained that rape is illegal and that he takes extra care when using this powerful potion. Nice.

So what if a person is not healed after a visit to Dr. Tom? Well they should pray harder and travel to the hospital to get some tablets.

Maybe it's the cynic in me...but I didn't by it. I certainly think there is something to be said for traditional healing. Who knows what was in his potions, maybe it was some antiobiotic derivitive. Either way, I think this guy was just trying to score some free goats. I do hope there is some element of truth to his abilities however, he did "forsee" a safe airplane ride home for me. (addendum - Leila has purchased a gourd and cleanses our tent each night...so far, no hauntings...who knows maybe there is something to it after all...)

Chimp vs. chump...(posting from the road)

When we finally caught up to the chimp and found him lying next to a log, I felt extreme guilt. This poor chimpanzee has had us hot on hit tail for the last 15 min, following him through the dense equitorial rainforest of Kibale National Park, and all he wanted to do was nap...or so I thought.

Our day, like most, started very early - this time the target of our wildlife search was the chimpanzee, our closest genetic cousins. We had a safety briefing (remember the chimp that ate that lady's face off?) and then started out in small groups, paired with a professional chimp tracker. Antone has been an employee at Kibale since the early 1990's and takes everyone from researchers to tourists out into the forest to locate the chimps in the dense foilage. The first challenge was in actually reaching the forest as it lay at the other side of a large field of buffalo grass that was home to approximately 250 Forest Elephants. These pachyderms are smaller, hairier and less friendly than their Savanah relatives - they have been known to charge tour groups. Antone made it quite clear that if we should encounter one of these elusive creatures that he would abandon us and run as fast as possible. Nice guide.

After a successful crossing of the field without incident and we set Antone to work...he made some noises, scanned the tree tops and seemed to be listening intently to the various nousies that bellowed from the woods. And then a chimpanzee walked across the trail in front of us - Antone did not notice it.

No matter how we first discovered these creatures, it was amazing to see them up close and in their natural habitat. Unlike the more popular Gorilla trekking, chimp trekking is fairly unknown. One of the main reasons that it has not become overwhelmed with tourists is the natural shyness of the animal. Even habituated groups, such as ours, these primates were leary of us humans. That is until we encountered a juvinelle male, who was kind enough to climb down from a tree and pose for us before setting off on a romp through the forest.

I should describe the forest to you - that way you can better understand the hardships of our trek. An equitorial rainforest floor is covered in vines, fire ants and bushes with giant thorns. Moving swiftly through these forests is best left to the primates, us humans, with the exception of it seemed Antone, struggle.

I think my group, which by now had been hacking away for a good 90 min was happy with the chimps we saw but Antone decided we should persue the young male...see where he may lead us. So the chimp took off with us in tow, him moving swiftly and us crashing behind him. Antone seemed to know which direction he was headed even when he disappeared from sight, and sure enough there we would find the young chimp waiting for us. Sometimes sitting, sometimes eating and one time he even had time for a nap before we caught him.

The nap is where I started to feel guilty, but once we reached his side again we were off, tearing through the rainforest with our backpacks full of DEET, SPF 70 and jugs of water. I am not sure how developed the sense of humour is in the chimpanzee but ours seemed to be having a grand old time at our expense. We actively pursued him for 30 min before he led us to a small group of chimps grooming themselves, seemingly indifferent to our presence. At the end of it all, we looked at Leila's GPS to see where we had gone - that chimp led us in three perfect circles. I swear I saw him and all his chimp buddies sitting back and having a good laugh while we looked on; panting and sweating. Cheeky little bastards, but at least they didn't bite me.